i feel...

~left behind
~foolish
~unwanted
~stupid
~all alone
~not important

sometimes I wish I could go back in time and make up for all the chances that I lost...



chances to be with youuuu

GFS cancelletion and more

i need inspiration.
i can't seem to add anymore to the 3 sentences that I have already written.

just to let you all know:

Y'all are awesome,beautiful, and important to me in your own ways.
It's too much for me to have to write about the many ways you each light up my days and fill the void that a real girlfriend would do. Just don't stop what y'all do. And I'll love you all forever.

----------------------
I want to play an instrument or do something interesting.
So, I put up this video on youtube that was meant for one eye to see.
Now, I have 52 views and I was hoping that that one person watched it that many times.
Sadly, other people have seen it already. SO I thought, "Why not put others?"
Then, I went to watch other covers of other songs..

and I think I'm not as good as the ones I've watched.
There are people singing while dancing, or singing while playing guitar like Gabe Bondoc, and
there are people singing with each other like RinontheRox. I need to do something different...

I feel like singing, like just singing, is so plain..Ugh. I don't do plain. But I might just have to live with it.. We'll see..

PS. Im not tryna fish for compliments.. I know what I sound like.. So don't comment on my insecurities. (Just saying)

--Jayson

GFS

Marlene~Bestfriend Sent from Above!

Marlene Claudia Calicdan Reyes, (I think that's her full name HAHA!) has been my bestfriend for as long as I can remember. It's funny because we think so much alike!

She is the one person I can run to when I need to tell my deepest darkest secrets and I know I can totally trust her. Of course, she tells me her deepest darkest secrets tooo.. and guess what? I'LL NEVER TELL. lol

Recently, because of my current depression, (haha) I've been thinking about which friends I will still have when I'm 60. Marlene was the first on my list. I never ever want to not be friends with her and I'm sure that she feels the same with me.. After all, we freakishly have the same thoughts somehow. It's like were twins!

I can't wait to go on our European excursions before she gets married.
Sigh, so many things to do before then..
One thing we need to do soon is HANGOUT!
BEST! I HAVEN'T SEEN OR TALKED TO YOU IN FOREVER!!
SO MUCH I NEED TO TELL YOU!! CALL MEEEEE! Let's eat dinner tomorrow at our usual!

--Jayson

Girl "FRIEND" series

So, I was talking about how I wrote a blog and put as a diary entry..

I was thinking of just posting that same "diary" as public..
but I'm not that predictable...

But don't worry, your turn will come..

You seee, starting today, Ima feature one girl on my top until I'm done with my top..

TODAY's LUCKY GIRL IS......

ELOISA~More than friends
LOILOI has always, for some reason, been linked to me.
It was annoying at first, but I learned to live with it..
Now, we're closer than ever.
I can truly say that she was the closest to what could've been something more..
Does that make sense?
Sadly, She's leaving and I dont wanna take my chances..

I still love her and I will always.
She will forever have a place in my heart.
and we will forever stay more than friends, less than lovers.
If there is a label for that, I would've put it, I just dont think theres a label for that.

deer in headlights

I can't believe what I just heard.

Once again I am the last to know.
Or at least one of the lasts.

Smile and Laugh it off

When in pain, I'm sure that we just love to sulk about it.
I know that's all I did when I was in "pain". SULK.
Talk about disgusting. It sucks to think that even the most heartless of people face pain.
But then again, when I think about it, people can become heartless because of pain.

No one wants to feel it and yet we do things that put us close to it.

I remember this one day when I was younger. My mom told me not to plug anything in the electrical-socket-things because I will die. As a kid, you'd probably expect me to listen, but NO, boy was I stupid.....Let's just say, I was never going to plug anything in after the "shock".

You see, even if we know how harmless something could be, we want to actually experience it to "tell the tale". It's a part of human nature. Kind of like that saying, "To see is to believe" but in this case, its To FEEL is to believe.

No wants to hear about something interesting and not experience it. How would you relate right?

It sucks though because there are some things that some people just do not want to experience yet. In my case, it was having feelings for someone. I mean, we hear about it all the time and we have to see it as well. (Why can't people stop talking about it? It's not important! I mean, having a healthy, prosperous life is important yet you don't hear people constantly talking about it.)

Any who, When I hear and see love, I'm reminded of that one day with the electric socket again. They say don't fall in to it and as much as I agree, I still can't help but fall. Sadly however, you can either be lucky or not.

For me, lets just say I felt the "shock" again. Not the love shock that people "claim" to feel when they're so in love but the shock that makes you NOT want to feel it.

Yea, It sucks and I always think I'm sad but then I remember that my mom said I would die if I touched the socket.. & DID I?

Remembering that I didn't die reminds me that just because it didn't work out this time doesn't mean it won't work out ever. Like with the whole SOCKET issue, I was scared to plug stuff in before and now I do it all the time! I'm sure, and I've said this a billion times, that there is a person for me just as there is a person for everybody. It can be sad to think that I wasn't lucky this time, but hey, SMILE & LAUGH IT OFF and everything will be better right? At least, in my case, that's a fact I can stand by.

--Jayson

Moving on

World Of Chances Lyrics

You've got a face for a smile, you know.
A shame you waste it when you're breaking me slowly.
But I've got a world of chances, for you.
I've got a world of chances, for you.
I've got a world of chances, chances that you're burning through.

I've got a paper and pen.
I go to write, you good by and that's when I know I've
got a world of chances for you.
I've got a world of chances, for you.
I've got a world of chances, chances that you're burning through.

Ohhh, I'm going my own way.
My faith has lost its strength again.
& Ohhhh, it's been too hard to say we've fallen off the edge again.
We're at an end.
We're at an end.


Maybe you'll call me someday.
Hear the operator say the numbers no good and that He had a world of chances for you.
He had a world of chances, for you.
He had a world of chances, chances you were burning through.
Chances you were burning through.
Chances you were burning through.

Ooooo

You've got a face for a smile, you know.

Depression

It sucks to think that you've waited for nothing.
That you've "over-expected". (Does that make sense?)

I'm hurt for two reasons:
1.I was naive.
2.I was blind.

Are those similar?

I just hate thinking too high up when I'm just going to end up way down.
It isn't fair. I try and try and try and try and all I get is a bunch of disappointments piling high up.


I know y'all may think I'm being OA.
Maybe I am, but maybe I'm not..

You see, it's not even about the test anymore...










youbelongwithme...

love

what the fuck is love?
--Jayson

Dark Times

I feel like I'm such a disappointment..

--Jayson

All I want is to make them proud.

=(

sigh

school is starting in a matter of days.
reality strikes again

and i realize im not a child anymore.

took me 8 long fucking months.

imissedwhenmyparentsdideverythingforme.

i hate lining up and asking questions that only someone "new" asks.

imissbeingyoung.
imissmyfriends.
imisslbc
imissfk
imisspc
imissphc
imisscc

oh and JENNIFER!! Imissyouu!
lol you're the only one that reads my stuff
so you deserve a special shoutout...


oh and imisscousinryantoo!
hes the only one that left so far..

and freakishly, imisssolomonthatbitch haha

jeeyei wherever you are, IMISSYOUU!!
sigh..

lifee

Sleepless Nights

I can't seem to sleep tonight. Well this morning, i should say. Its 3:27 am.

I have a lot going on in my mind right now. I guess, I was in denial for so long and well, I'm not sleeping now because I didn't allow myself to express how I'm feeling.

The whole "leaving" issue has really got me thinking a lot.
You see, this week, two of my friends, (well actually, one cousin and one friend) are leaving and I'm trying to figure out how to feel. Of course, I'm going to miss them both, but I'm not talking about how to feel on them leaving, I'm talking about how to feel once I'm in the same situation. I know it's too soon for me to start thinking about it, but i should start preparing because these two people are the worst people to ask for advice from when it comes to the whole "leaving" issue. I mean, they're both really cool, but if you ask me, I think they both are a little too passive. So when I say they are the worst people to get advice from when it comes to this situation, I'm really implying that they really seem to not care when they do care because they hide their true feelings? does that make sense.

Of course, I'm not trying to offend anybody, especially the two people I mentioned. But I really keep thinking about how in some way, I wished I could hide all my feelings in. I feel like, if I were in a situation, I'd be having a hard time to go. I might just cancel my flight or something!

I kept telling myself not to think about it, but I keep thinking that the only way to leave "successfully" and I mean "successfully" as in to minus the tears and the pain of having to go and stuff, is to let go before actually having to let go.

Kind of like, distancing myself from everything now so it's easier when it's actually time for all of that letting go stuff..

Maybe I'm overreacting as usual, but I really can't stop thinking about everything that's happened to me so far. Thinking about how 10 years has already passed since I was 8 still amazes me. But unlike at 8, I'm not ready to face the world. and I'm definitely not ready to face it alone.

*I honestly feel like I make no sense at all with these blogs. I'm honestly a bad writer. It sounds so nice when I say it but once I start typing it, it's gone. ALL GONE!
--Jaysonn

To You Two:
Take Care There.
I Will Not Forget You Both.
Pray!

Diaries of a Sick Boy

Today marks the first day of recovery.
I feel sort of relieved.
Only because, I didn't die.
I feel more refreshed in a way
Because I got to rest and stay indoors.

Im also glad because I didn't spread whatever I had to anybody.

It's so funny, I was telling the LBC that I was afraid to sleep, and yet throughout this whole
weekend, I was sleeping.

--Jayson

I have the best parents.
I mean, they get mad at me and bring me down.
But they're there for me and my sister when we need them the most.

They didn't look me down even if I was carrying a contagious disease.
In fact, they reached out to me and helped me get better.

I am better because of them.
all the sleepless nights of wiping down.
sigh.

I was like a newborn baby.
lmao.

In return, since I'm feeling better, I cleaned the whole house.

Now I think I'm sick again.
haha. SICK OF CLEANING!!

--Jayson

Goodnight!

	fail·ure [ fáylyər ] (plural fail·ures) Adjective Definition: 1. Jayson Smith

I think I am on the verge of depression (like seriously.)
Everybody seems to be ready and has their lives set. I, however, don't think that I am going anywhere. I feel like with each day, I only get even more clueless as to where I want to be, what path I should be on, blahfuckingblah.

I wake up every morning thinking, "Oh I'm going to do this today, and Oh I'm going to finish that"
But as the day goes on, I manage to finish only half of that and I'd feel terrible.

Today was the breaking point.
I was having lunch with the lunchbreakcrew, (which has multiplied btw), and as usual, I was going through my daily "mind" battle as to whether I should go to class or not. We went over so many reasons why I should go and in the end, I didn't. I honestly feel bad even if throughout the whole time I was happy-go-lucky.

It's hard to explain and I don't want to be finding something to blame it on but I feel like I have experienced too much failure in my life and failing a simple test brings a huge part of me down. I know it sounds like I'm overacting or whatever, but it really does bring me down.

I'm constantly reminded, through failures such as these, how much of a failure I'm slowly becoming and as I recall how I feel with the whole not-being-able-to-know-what-I'm-gonna-do issue just sums up why I'm depressed.

Sigh. I wish I that little boy that used to run to mommy and daddy when he needed help.
--Jaysonnn


SOS major

I hate having to say Goodbye.
Like honestly. Even just the casual "Bye! See you tomorrow"
kind of thing, is dreadful.

Like Goodbyes, in my opinion, represents the end.
~The end of the day
~The end of a relationship
~The end of life?

Luckily, there's always Hello.
Because it reminds us that after every end, comes a new beginning.

Is that how the saying goes?

Anywho, my day was ok.
Kind of depressing with every new confirmed swine flu case reminding me
that one way or another, I'm bound to get it and seriously, I'm not ready
to face it. In fact, I'm kind of scared, though I'm not scared of having it.
I'm just scared of spreading to innocent people and of course my love ones.
I don't want to be blamed for spreading a life-sucking virus that everyone
in the world knows about. I do hope that they find something to prevent it from
spreading any more than it already is because there are gross and vile people out there
that don't seem to care that there's a virus on the loose.
LIKE GO AHEAD AND KEEP COUGHING BITCHES!

Shit. I don't like to ramble on useless things like this but people, especially
parents, like I know you love your kids and you think they're cute or what not,
but when you allow your kid to cough with their mouths open, it's like so freaking
gross. Learn a thing or two, and teach your damn kids to cover their mouths k?

Because that's probably why we have 33 Cases of Swine Flu already!
Careless bitches.

--Jayson
Have a good night.

Lasts

Last Day of the Week.
Last Day to skip.
Last Day for us.

--Jaysonn

This needs to end.
So, GOODBYE

It was fun while it lasted.

Lazy days

It's times like these that make me wish I actually like math.
I'm so sad.

I have no life.

So today, I gave myself a reason to go to class. (& I mean all my classes.)
Like I literally woke up and told myself. "I'm gonna go to class "

& what happens?
I don't go to class.
Sigh.

Well, i did go to my personal adjustment class.
& i like it.
but i hate math...


--Jaysonn
bitch im too lazy
have a goodday

Week in Review

I can't believe that I lasted a week.
I'm so sad. I always feel like I'm really wasting my time & I am making the wrong decisions.

Not to mention wasting major a lot of money!

I am glad to be spending time with the people I spend time with on my break.
It's refreshing somewhat, to see these familiar faces everyday, and it gives me that drive to continue.

It's like, because they're doing it and continuing, I will as well.

So to you all, the LUNCHBREAKCLUB, (Yay, I gave us a name)
THANK YOU!

lol
--Jayson
talk about sentimental moment.

Second is the best..

Today seemed to be better.

I think I am getting used to "collegelife".

I am a bit tired though. I don't seem to have time for anything and I'm living a fast-paced lifestyle.

Sigh. I do hope to finish with flying colors.
Does that make sense?

So far I'm doing well. I'm just really overwhelmed right now.
The work load is pretty tiring.

LOL

I'm like really contradicting myself right now.

--Jayson

First Day High

So today I started summer session c at the University of Guam.

Sadly, I had to take it because I am the most stupidest person in math..

Sigh, why couldn't I just be as smart as everyone else that got MA110.

Oh well, I think this will somehow help me work on my dedication as a student.
Unfortunately however, I feel like I'm just lying to myself when I say that..

We'll just see later on in the month.

So I totally had an embarrassing moment. Shet. It's so stupid. Like seriously.
OMG!

--Jayson

School is becoming very interesting.

Short and Simple...

I start my classes tomoroo..

& it is official.

I AM GOING INSANE!

--Jaysonn

Details on my first day and more tomoroo!

WISH ME LUCK!

Slow Days

Each day is special. There are Happy Days, Sad Ones, Exciting, Angry, Blahblah.

Well, Today was.. SLOW.

I don't seem to have anything to do now. I woke up at 12pm and continued & finished reading TWILIGHT. Does that make sense? Well whatever, it took 2 hours. I talked to Marlene while I showered, (yes i do that) and went to work by 3:45 and in time for my 4 oclock shift.

Honestly, I have very few interest now. The days are just passing by & I don't seem to mind it. In fact, I feel very terrible for allowing myself to exhibit my lack of interest in public. It isn't fair to my friends and to the people around me because my negative aura is contagious and I feel so selfish. I can't help but think however, that I shouldn't feel this way. Can I actually feel any bit excited or interested by this routined way-of-living. Obviously not, the world is full of greedy bitches that seem to care more about making a living than taking any interest in what's around them. Unfortunately, I've fallen in to the "greedy bitch" category.

Sigh..

--Jayson

Beware, you might get sucked in.

First Things First...

I am Jayson

& I have finally arrived

& I am relieved to have found a place to blog

& I think MYSPACE is getting boring

So expect everything. I will blog it all.

--Jayson