love

what the fuck is love?
--Jayson

Dark Times

I feel like I'm such a disappointment..

--Jayson

All I want is to make them proud.

=(

sigh

school is starting in a matter of days.
reality strikes again

and i realize im not a child anymore.

took me 8 long fucking months.

imissedwhenmyparentsdideverythingforme.

i hate lining up and asking questions that only someone "new" asks.

imissbeingyoung.
imissmyfriends.
imisslbc
imissfk
imisspc
imissphc
imisscc

oh and JENNIFER!! Imissyouu!
lol you're the only one that reads my stuff
so you deserve a special shoutout...


oh and imisscousinryantoo!
hes the only one that left so far..

and freakishly, imisssolomonthatbitch haha

jeeyei wherever you are, IMISSYOUU!!
sigh..

lifee

Sleepless Nights

I can't seem to sleep tonight. Well this morning, i should say. Its 3:27 am.

I have a lot going on in my mind right now. I guess, I was in denial for so long and well, I'm not sleeping now because I didn't allow myself to express how I'm feeling.

The whole "leaving" issue has really got me thinking a lot.
You see, this week, two of my friends, (well actually, one cousin and one friend) are leaving and I'm trying to figure out how to feel. Of course, I'm going to miss them both, but I'm not talking about how to feel on them leaving, I'm talking about how to feel once I'm in the same situation. I know it's too soon for me to start thinking about it, but i should start preparing because these two people are the worst people to ask for advice from when it comes to the whole "leaving" issue. I mean, they're both really cool, but if you ask me, I think they both are a little too passive. So when I say they are the worst people to get advice from when it comes to this situation, I'm really implying that they really seem to not care when they do care because they hide their true feelings? does that make sense.

Of course, I'm not trying to offend anybody, especially the two people I mentioned. But I really keep thinking about how in some way, I wished I could hide all my feelings in. I feel like, if I were in a situation, I'd be having a hard time to go. I might just cancel my flight or something!

I kept telling myself not to think about it, but I keep thinking that the only way to leave "successfully" and I mean "successfully" as in to minus the tears and the pain of having to go and stuff, is to let go before actually having to let go.

Kind of like, distancing myself from everything now so it's easier when it's actually time for all of that letting go stuff..

Maybe I'm overreacting as usual, but I really can't stop thinking about everything that's happened to me so far. Thinking about how 10 years has already passed since I was 8 still amazes me. But unlike at 8, I'm not ready to face the world. and I'm definitely not ready to face it alone.

*I honestly feel like I make no sense at all with these blogs. I'm honestly a bad writer. It sounds so nice when I say it but once I start typing it, it's gone. ALL GONE!
--Jaysonn

To You Two:
Take Care There.
I Will Not Forget You Both.
Pray!

Diaries of a Sick Boy

Today marks the first day of recovery.
I feel sort of relieved.
Only because, I didn't die.
I feel more refreshed in a way
Because I got to rest and stay indoors.

Im also glad because I didn't spread whatever I had to anybody.

It's so funny, I was telling the LBC that I was afraid to sleep, and yet throughout this whole
weekend, I was sleeping.

--Jayson

I have the best parents.
I mean, they get mad at me and bring me down.
But they're there for me and my sister when we need them the most.

They didn't look me down even if I was carrying a contagious disease.
In fact, they reached out to me and helped me get better.

I am better because of them.
all the sleepless nights of wiping down.
sigh.

I was like a newborn baby.
lmao.

In return, since I'm feeling better, I cleaned the whole house.

Now I think I'm sick again.
haha. SICK OF CLEANING!!

--Jayson

Goodnight!